My Secret Bidet.txt

What's up, everybody? It's Cr1TiKaL. Saw a commercial for a product called My Secret Bidet. As you can guess, it is an incognito bidet that you can attach to your toilet to shoot water into your asshole, and I was going to turn this commercial into a standard one that I do for "The Real" series, but I thought it'd be fun to mix it up a little bit and just kind of give my impression of the commercial and watch it with you all.

"Still feel dirty after going to the bathroom with traditional toilet paper? Look, toilet paper and wipes are no good! Paper smears, and wipes still leave residue behind."

I don't know how many people out there feel dirty after using the restroom, just feel like you're covered in a layer of filth near your anus, unless your wiping technique consists of you using your bare hands whilst you've had them covered in Cheeto dust.
And I also don't feel like this is the best test to demonstrate toilet paper and wet wipes are ineffective for cleaning yourself -- trying to paint a fucking picture with them. "Oh, you can't paint a Van Gogh with them, therefore you can't clean your ass with them, so you can Van Go Fuck Yourself."
Unless you have the world's most viscous shit every single time, this test proves absolutely nothing, or speaks to the effectiveness of toilet paper or wet wipes.

"Now there's a better way. Introducing My Secret Bidet: the discreet bidet that fits right on your toilet. It couldn't be easier. Just turn it on, and My Secret Bidet rinses you completely clean!"

Yeah. Unless your friends are blind, it's not all that discreet. Most people wonder why you have a nitrous oxide booster around the side of your toilet. "Oh, I swear to God, Hank, it's so I can drift with it!"
Just kind of pops out of nowhere like a golf sprinkler and blasts your ass. I also feel it's not a very good design, going at an angle like that, because then it's just going to be misting poop particles. It's just going to be a doo-doo shower of shit, everywhere, all over your toilet.
And God forbid your chocolate starfish isn't plopped in the perfect location. The angle of this is coming at is merciless. It will absolutely smack your scrotum, or, in the worst-case scenario, go between your legs and just get all over your bathroom and cause a huge fucking mess.

"Turn it off when you're done, and My Secret Bidet instantly hides away. Look, the toilet paper on the left just spreads the mess, and the wet wipes on the right still leave residue behind. Watch as My Secret Bidet uses fresh water to rinse you completely clean, leaving nothing behind! To prove how well My Secret Bidet works, we drew on this piece of glass with blue sticky residue. Turn it on, and My Secret Bidet gently rinses the mess away, leaving you clean and shower fresh..."

Gently spraying it away is being extremely generous here. That looks absolutely vicious. They probably went through six sheets of glass, upping the power each time, each one just exploding under the sheer might of the My Secret Bidet's power. "Fuck, Plexiglass didn't work. Give me bulletproof glass. Oh, damn it, that didn't work either! Give me that shit they use at Cape Canaveral for the shuttles!"
This thing just looks absolutely vicious, so if you ever want your asshole pressure-washed, look no further than the My Secret Bidet. If you're looking for the quickest route to a prolapsed rectum, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: it's My Bidet.

"...after going to the bathroom. Turn it off, and it hides away. My Secret Bidet is your little secret."
"You don't realize what stays on you when you just wipe, versus when you use the bidet."

That's a true statement. No one really realizes what stays on them when they wipe, versus using the bidet. But once you use the bidet you start to really understand that when you wipe, what stays on you is the skin, whereas with the bidet, or at least the My Secret Bidet, that skin is going to get eviscerated -- get fucking torn off.

"Best of all, My Secret Bidet installs on any..."

Looks like a fucking Keyblade from Kingdom Hearts.

"...toilet in minutes, guaranteed! Just connect the line to your toilet, and you're ready to go. It couldn't be easier. Anyone can do it."
"In five minutes, you can change your bathroom!"
"Look again. My Secret Bidet rinses you completely clean, while both toilet paper and wipes leave a mess behind. Sit back and relax while My Secret Bidet gently washes you clean without toilet paper or wipes, for a clean you can't get with paper alone!"
"For kids, it's awesome. I don't have to help, they can do it themselves, and they get totally clean."

I can promise you this would be absolutely catastrophic with children, and I can speak from experience, because my house, growing up when I was a little kid, had a bidet in it, and I used to play with that shit all the time. I would flood the bathroom once a week. I put my head over it, turned it on and just let it all hit me in the face. I put my action figures on top of it, turn it on so that way they'd shoot up in the air, and it was just a grand time, it was a lot of fun.
But that was a very low-power bidet. At absolute maximum settings, it had about the same amount of power as an old man leaning back and spitting into the air a bunch of times. This My Secret Bidet is a fucking weapon of mass destruction. The secret to this bidet is its power, it's like a fucking fire hose. This shit would wreck a kid's face. This shit would wreck a kid's anus. If someone was using this with the best of intentions, like a kid, but he just turned it all the way up by accident, that is a permanent anal annihilation. Their colon would probably explode.

"A toilet with a built in bidet could cost over a thousand dollars. Call now and get My Secret Bidet, the ultimate toilet accessory, for the introductory price of $19.99. But wait, there's more! You can double the offer and get a second My Secret Bidet, perfect for a second bathroom, just pay a separate fee. That's right. Get My Secret Bidet for only $19..."

And then the commercial ends abruptly. So I hope you're good at keeping secrets, because now you've got two of My Secret Bidets here.
Now, they say 'use the second one in another bathroom in the house', but no, they can hold my tits on that. If I'm getting two of My Secret Bidets, I'm installing them both on the same toilet for maximum excitement. I'll install one in the back for my asshole, and then one on the front to just make my nuts stronger, to just clobber my testicles.
Like how Muay Thai fighters will kick down trees to cause micro-fractures on their shins, so that way their shins will grow back stronger, I'll do that same procedure, except it'll be causing micro-scrotie injuries, so that way my scrotum will grow back stronger and I'll have fucking balls of iron, just these absolutely heavy mammoths. I'll be like Colossus from X-Men, except only in my nut region.
But yeah. That's the end of the commercial, so see you.