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Barshens Got Talent OLD.txt
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Barshens Got Talent OLD.txt
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- Barry.
- Hi, Stuart.
- Do you think Barshens has any talent?
- I don't know. Maybe we should do a video to find out.
- No.
- Wow, what an amazing set of credits! We've blown the budget out of the water!
- No, we haven't actually blown the budget.
- No. Phew.
- We have sourced from the crew, the Barshens crew, some of the best talent around, and it's not about us; it's about them.
- It's all about them...
- Yeah.
- ...and how rude we can be to them, after they've bared their soul to us.
- You're going to be the rude one and I'll be the nice one or do you...?
- I think I think we should just be honest, by which I mean we'll both be rude.
- Yeah? And there are no prizes.
- Yeah, no prizes, except...the adulation of the masses, which is in itself...worthless.
[RYAN LIVERMORE - NORWICH]
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, my name is Ryan. I'm from Norwich.
- We know, mate, you've worked here for like years.
- Who have you come here today with, Ryan?
- Stuart and Riyad on the train.
- Oh, yeah.
- Do you have a sob story? Any sob story we can play on and then edit up.
- Four days before my eighth birthday, my pet hamster, Thomas, died. My mum told me in the bath, and I cried and said he was selfish.
- He was! It's a selfish fucking hamster.
- Well, I'm sure he'd be proud at you today, Ryan. He's looking down on you.
- He's dead.
- All right, do your thing, then. What is the nature of your act?
- Umm...so, have you seen the film Pitch Perfect? Either of you.
- No.
- No.
- ...I'm actually really fucking nervous.
- I'm not surprised.
- Just take your time, Ryan. Just take as long as you need.
- I'm intrigued as to where this is going.
- It might take me a little...
- Yeah, take your time.
- Okay.
- I got my ticket for the long way round
Two bottle of whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
and I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say?
When I'm gone, when I'm gone
you're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair
you're gonna miss me everywhere
oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone
- Your hamster is looking down on you, Ryan. That was really good. Be proud. Sorry.
- I thought it was shit. Fuck off.
- ...
- Off!
- It was a yes for me, but the head judge took the no.
- Fuck you.
[PAUL GANNON - LIVERPOOL]
- Hello.
- Hello, Paul.
- Hello. What's your name, Paul?
- My name is Paul, I'm from Liverpool, and I like the colour red, and my favourite singer is Sonia and Cilla Black.
- Wow.
- What's your sob story, Paul?
- I exist.
- Ooh, you got me right there.
- Take as much time as you need.
- Yes, as long as it's not more than five minutes.
- Well, before we go any further, I need to give you something.
- Mate.
- So I've got this, right, and I need you to put this in your top pocket, where it's safe. right? So, there you go. And I'm not going to be able to touch that the whole time, okay?
- Okay.
- All right? So, I'll begin. OK? Sorry, before we get going, I've got a little bit of hay fever, so let me just have some of this, and then, I'll just...it's gone. So, that was my first trick.
My next trick involves these three balls and these three cups, right? Here we go. I'm going to take one little ball, right? This, I'm going to put on top of this little cup here, and then I'm going to do that, and the magic words are "piffity puff-puff". Right?
- I thought it might be.
- After 1, 2, 3, say piffity puff-puff with me. 1, 2, 3, piffity puff-puff. And look, oh, no, there we go, there we go, there's the first ball, and now we're going to put this on here like that. Why is everything I do shit? Right. 1, 2, 3, piffity puff-puff. And look, there we go, we've got two balls now. It's getting better and hotter, isn't it? Right, and then the final, the final ball goes onto the cup like that, I give the old magic words: 1, 2, 3, piffity puff-puff, and look. Oh, it's three balls, one, two, three! It's magic!
Right, now, finally, for my last magic trick, I'm going to get three objects chosen at random that I picked ages ago. So, I have got this, and this is for Barry, okay? Three objects. All I want, Barry, from you, right now, is to pick any two of these objects out. Which do you fancy?
- The crown and the water.
- Right, cool. Right, now pick me one of these.
- The water.
- You want the water.
- Yeah.
- Can you look in your top pocket then, please? And tell me what it says written on that pocket piece of paper.
- Do I need to show it to the camera? Oh!
- "Bottle of water", ladies and gentlemen! I am magic! That's been my act. I wish I had a proper girlfriend.
- Well done! Yeah!
- I am magic.
- Are you classically trained, Paul?
- I am, but not in magic.
- I was very impressed by that. Does that blow your mind, when he did that?
- I thought that was absolutely pathetic. You made a joke of yourself. Get off the stage.
- Yay, I did well! I did really well! Bye!
[CHRIS BULLOCK - THE WIRRAL]
- Hello, Chris.
- Hello, Chris.
- All right.
- Where are you from, Chris?
- My name's Festival Twat, I'm 39, and I'm from the Wirral.
- Amazing.
- Wow, what are those things dangling? They look like big earrings.
- These are fire poi. So, basically you have to imagine that these are some sort of a roaring inferno and we're currently burning YouTube Space down.
- Okay.
- I'm getting on board with that. Yeah.
- When do we do that?
- It's in your mind, man, so you've just got to go with it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Go with it, let it burn.
- Okay, yeah.
- What's your sob story?
- My cat's very sick.
- That sounds pretty important...pet related.
- I mean, it can be dead if that helps.
- When did you last check it was alive?
- I could do it now. I've got it in a box outside.
- Do it afterwards and then we'll say we did it before.
- All right. With a brick, it's all right? I mean...
- I don't care how.
- Awesome.
- Right. So, what is your act?
- Well, it's fire poi. I might surprise myself, but only in my mind, so that's okay.
- This is basically all I can do, because I haven't done it for about ten years. I'm going to attempt a trick which will most likely result in me twatting myself in the face...for your entertainment.
- Okay. That's a strong proposition.
- This is the 5-beat weave, and I used to be really good at it, and now I'm really shit at it, but if you can imagine the flames, it will add a sense of peril, and I believe that will help me walk off with that prize, and possibly a living cat.
- I mean, to be fair, I could have just imagined a trick and not have anybody on. Whoa.
- There we go, there's the windmill.
- And now we're all on fire.
- Oh, wow. Can you put the fire out?
- No, that's it. We're fucked. We're burned.
- Okay. I thought it was very impressive.
- I thought it was dated, worthless, and get off.
[ELI SILVERMAN - LONDON]
- Eli Rolls! He's blown his load early.
- Yeah. Mr. Man of Silver, Eli.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hello. Oh, he's got the energy going. This is going to be bad.
- Nice shirt.
- So, where are you from, Eli?
- Sorry, I'm just thinking how my act's going to be rocking. Where am I from? From London.
- And what's your sob story, Eli?
- I have blotchy upper arms. I may have to cut gluten out, and it could help.
- Okay. That's probably the biggest tearjerker story we've had today, to be honest.
- They're well blotchy, man.
- What is your act, mate? Yeah.
- I have an interpretive dance, with a little bit of a dialogue, little drama, mix of dance.
- Could this be described as physical poetry?
- That's exactly what it is. It's so nice to meet a judge who actually knows about...you know...the definition of art forms. So, this is Keith. Ooh.
- What is Keith?
- He is a mummified mole.
- Yes, he really is, isn't he?
- Oh, my God! That's actually a mole?
- Yeah.
- It was at one stage, yeah. That's a very dead mole.
- Oh, wow!
- Was that found in the crawl space of a building?
- I'm not sure. It was given to me by Ryan's parents, so...I will symbolically birth Keith.
- Okay, yeah.
- And then he will have a dialogue with this artificial cabbage flavour instant vermicelli noodle.
- Why artificial cabbage? Cabbage is not hard to get, is it?
- Yeah. Well, it's from a province in China where they had a...cabbage drought.
- Ah. That province.
- Yeah.
- Okay?
- Whenever you're ready. Take your time. Just let us know when you're ready.
- Keith. Keith. I've bourned you. Now Keith is walking along. What's that? Keith, what's that? What's that? He says it's a noodle. He says it's a noodle.
- Shall we go over there?
- Yes. I've bourned you.
- Smells artificial.
- Why don't you ask it what it is, Keith?
- Okay. Mr. Noodle?
- Yes?
- What flavour are you?
- Artificial noodle, and cabbage, and fish.
- I hate fish. That makes me angry.
- Angry Keith! What happens to angry Keith? He shows his true face! The other side of Keith, the witch side! ... The witch mouth of Keith's anus! Argh!!! He strangled his maker! Argh!
- Amazing!
- Thanks.
- Well, what did you think, Barry?
- One of the quietest performances of the day.
- It was understated.
- Yeah.
- My dad says I'm the best.
- Yeah.
- I'm the best. He said I'm the best. When I came out of my mum he said I'm the best. He said I'm going to be...you're going to be the best. The best dead mole wrangler ever.
- I mean, in a dead mole category, you're probably winning it today.
- Yeah.
- I'm through to the next round! Yes!
- No, you are not. Back.
- You can't...
- It started strongly, I'll give you that, but then, the tonal shift was too great. The witch anus, the witch mouth anus, was just too much of a combination, I feel.
- That's the first time we've had a witch anus act.
- Overall, it's the worst thing I've ever seen, and I saw the Keith Lemon film at the cinema.
- ...
- Maybe come back next year.
- No, don't.
- Okay.
- But we're quite interested in seeing the mole again.
- All right.
- We'll get Ant & Dec to stick you on the mole list.
- And don't forget, if you'd like to apply for Barshens' Got Talent next year...
- Yeah, don't bother! Cause there ain't going to be one. ... Bye!
- What are you doing? All right, okay, reacting to...
- Yes. Thank you, Barry.
- I thought you actually had an indigestion!
- Where's my noodle?